A Year of Change

This weekend will be the one year mark of what I call my "Year of Change." One year ago, I had the closest, most real encounter with God than I ever have in my life. One year ago this weekend is when I felt the calling to adopt, and basically everywhere I turned for an entire week, I was shown God's presence. I have not been the same since. In the past year, my entire relationship with God has changed so much. I don't even know how to describe what I've been through.

A few weeks ago, Mark asked our small group to come with six words that described our life so far. My six words were: "Trying too hard to impress others." My whole life has been wrapped up in myself, the car I drive, the house I live in, and the clothes I wear. I was always trying to impress my teachers, parents, friends, students, and bosses. As a naturally competitive person, most of my adult life has felt empty and filled with discontent, always striving to keep up with "The Joneses." The past year, I have finally found peace and contentment, honestly because I finally feel like I am trying my hardest to live out God's purpose and plan in my life. I am less concerned with myself and what others think, and more concerned with showing people God in my life, and trying to be faithful in doing what I'm called to do. In the past year I have tried so hard to cut out the negativity in my life and everyday conversations. I've prayed for God to bring the right people in and take those who will bring me down out, until I am strong enough be a better example to them. I drive to and from work everyday in silence, spending time in prayer, praying for my family, my day, my actions, and my students. I am learning to take care of God's creation and trying to teach my son the same, not because it's the cool "Hollywood" thing right now, but because it is what He made for us, and we have destroyed so much of it in our selfishness. I am learning that I don't matter, but what I can do with my life does. I am learning how to be a much better wife, even though I am still far from perfect. I still haven't figured out how not to be tired, I'm still working on that!

I think what I have realized more than anything is that I feel like I finally have a purpose that is bigger than the money I make or fitting in, but I know that I will always struggle to overcome the mindset that our culture has imprinted on my mind. I have been overwhelmed with the realization of the temporariness of our time here on Earth and feel such a strong push to use every moment of my life for a bigger purpose. I know God has put me in my job for a reason. Everyday I get to work with underprivileged children, and I feel like I do a really good job of connecting with them, teaching them, and loving them. I know that not everyone was created to be an inner city teacher, so every day I kind of feel special that I was chosen to do this. I am so excited to adopt a little girl who needs a home (maybe a little boy someday too, shhhh....don't tell Greg). I don't understand why I was chosen to do this, sometimes I feel a little unworthy of such a huge calling. Everyday I find some new reason to be terrified, and everyday I hear, "I know what I'm doing, just relax." All these things in the past year I have discovered in humbleness, and my prayer is that people see that it is genuine, and in no way a platform to raise me up higher than themselves.

So much has changed in a year, and I am so excited to see what this next year will bring. I am open to whatever I am called to do, even though that scares me a little. I am hoping to continue to grow and looking forward to see what I can write next year! This year, I have spent a lot of time working on myself, so I am hoping that this next year, I can work on building more meaningful relationships and spending more time with people I love. Mark asked me what my new six words were, and I told him I didn't know yet. The more I've thought about it, the more I hope the six words for the next part of my life are "Always seeking His plan in humbleness."