Faithfulness

We have six months until we can begin filling out paperwork for China. It kind of stays in the back of my mind most days because quite frankly it scares me to death. I have no doubt it is what we've been called to do, but I'm still terrified. I keep thinking of everything that could go wrong, everything that I have no control over, and when you're a control freak planner like myself, there is no worse feeling. I want Claire to be here now, healthy and happy, but it is such a long road, and lately I just feel like giving up.

I stay off of all the adoption forums. They are full of the worst stories. Parents asking for NSN children (non special needs) and getting all the way over there and their child will have had the first operation for something like a cleft palate or spina bifida, and the parents will explain that they don't have the means to take care of additional operations and they'll be told that they must take the child or lose all of their money. Now, there's rumors circulating that China is getting ready to close or that if you log in now, it could be a four to five year wait, etc., etc. etc. It's so overwhelming that last night, I just broke down and told Greg I didn't want to do this anymore. It was just too much.

God has put on both of our hearts that we are called to do this, but somedays I feel like he has asked the impossible. What if it closes, what then? What if it's a five year wait, do we really have to wait that long before adding to our family? I am so thankful that I had the week I did back in the Spring when God did everything He possibly could to show me this was His plan for us. It was so clear, that I couldn't run from it.

After searching for comfort last night, I was led two verses that brought me such peace. I know they were God's way of laying His hands on my shoulders and telling me that it was going to be okay, that He's taking care of it.

Ecclesiastes 7:8
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.

Colossians 1: 9-12 (The Message)

Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.

Back in April, Greg was having a few days feeling like I feel now. I was going out of town for a few days, and I was terrified I would come back and he would have changed his mind about adoption. I left him this note that I pulled out of a drawer last night :

"You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you. Isaiah 26:3 Our purpose is to bring home a little girl from China named Claire. Trust in that."

I then found a message from a fortune cookie I receieved on the night we went out and celebrated our decision to begin this journey. It read, "The one you love is not as far away as you may think."

All this was just like God standing in front of me with a big smile on his face and saying, "Jessica, you can do this. Don't give up on me now."

I'm used to things coming so easy. My life has been so blessed. This is the biggest growing experience that I've ever had, learning how to remain faithful and not give up, and to most importantly remember that the reward will be worth it.